I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
