the day after is always just damage control
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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