if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Come see our sink grown plant.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
