Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
