70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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