WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
