I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Small penises have feelings too.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
