How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
