Ambien. No doubt about it.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
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