My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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