Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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