He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
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He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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