Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
