I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
