Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This house was built for laser tag.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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