nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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