im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
