i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Green mimosas i think yes
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
