So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
