moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
