dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
