I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
