Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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