So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
