I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
