If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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