he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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