Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
