i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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