in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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