help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
