I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
