Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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