Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so let's talk penis.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
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