I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You took a bar mat shot.
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If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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