somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
