i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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