Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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