1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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