mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
