well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
