I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
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I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
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We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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