Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
