I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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