You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
