The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
