Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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