I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I got inside last night via doggy door
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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