So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
