At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
