he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
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We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
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