Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
