I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
