Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
