So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
