hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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